… a friend asked me. I shared one of many theories with him …
It is easier to manage other people’s rejection if you understand what the rejection is all about. That can actually lead a person in to a behavior that is deliberately rude and arrogant and consciously breaking the healthy social norms. Then you know the reason why people do not like you and you have some control over other people’s rejection of you. You have some level of understanding for the social systems and you control it to a certain level.
Unfortunately, it is a non-constructive behavior that probably leads to greater dissatisfaction among colleagues.
It is important that you as a colleague understand that this type of contra productive behavior is a result of having experienced not being liked and not understand why. The experience of being excluded can have deep impact in the way we interact with other people.
The recommendation is to clearly communicate your opinion of this person’s behavior. For example:
- When you formulate you like that (repeat what he or she said), I perceive you as arrogant
- When you do not respond when spoken to, I perceive you as nonchalant
- When you criticize the non-relevant content, I perceive you as stubborn and difficult to work with
Be generous and communicate the experience you prefer
For example:
- I would prefer if you express yourself in this way instead (give a concrete proposal on the formulation) Then I would feel respected by you.
- I would appreciate if you answered me when I talk to you. Then I get a confirmation that you have listened to me and I feel included
- If you can sort in your criticism and communicate that which can lead to improvements that would make it easier for me to take your criticism seriously
The purpose is to educate, support and develop your employees in social behavior. This person has probably not received the support of personal and social development as he or she needed while growing up.
There are some rules that help you give feedback:
- The I-message
Do not talk for anyone else. We think, or they think or there’s a number of people thinking that… does not work. Stand for your experience as YOUR experience.
- Do not value
Do not talk about what is right, wrong, good or bad. It is different for everyone. Try to tell us what you think. Words like arrogance, nonchalant, stubborn and uncooperative are negative experiences and he or she will most likely understand that.
- Be specific
Give clear examples of the behavior you see or phrases you hear. Then the person can make the connection between behavior and consequence
- Give your feedback one to one
There may be a number of people who share your experience but if you communicate that all at once it will probably be too much and the person will feel attacked and treated unfairly.
Hopefully you will offer a new perspective and a greater understanding and hopefully this person will try a new behavior that will make your interaction more pleasant.
Good Luck.
